Get A Life

Walau..

i just got back from driving my father’s car.

i din drive since i got my license.. -.-" and to practice back driving is one my planning oso in this holiday/

Well..

it’s a quite "failing" experience for me||||||  i can’t control the car well and u know, today is Friday (muslim praying), there are lots or ppl out there either riding motorbikes or driving their cars. They just simply croass here and there, and there are two times i nearly hit them… walau.. hiew.

Having the worried feeling this morning is no good at all for me and now plus the a-bit-scary driving experience makes the condition worse.

However, i really hope that i can drive to UPM next year.. more convenience mah (but there will be petrol burden la).

Today, some worried feelings strike me. When i woke up this morning, i was planning to write some planning for the month of Dec when one of my friend sms me saying that we should buy laptop before 3rd of Dec coz there will be a discounted rate.

oh, well..

After considering it, i decided to go online see first, if it’s suitable, i’ll buy it. However, this two things (Dec plannning + buying laptop) make me felt worry and when i tried to solve the isohunt in sin chew today, i can’t solve it! and i oso do not have the intention to solve the sudoku (i’m quite interested in it and i will do it daily).

What i’m trying to say here is the worried feeling that occur inside of me remind me of one thing: i’ve got the same feeling when i was in the test/exam last time. That’s why i think this is the reason when supposingly there is a queation that i can solve easily but i can’t solve it at that time.

i mean, the feeling or may be more accurately, your thoughts when you try to solve a problem are of ESSENTIAL importance. It depends on how you see a particular question/task that is given to you. Whether you are open minded or your thought just mess yourself up. Sometimes an easy task may become extremrly tough if our mindset are incorrect from the beggining. And i think the most efficient way to see a problem is with neutral thought, not too selfish just to think bout the advantages you’ll acquire, yet not too generous just to think bout others, neglecting yourself.

Well.. this will require really high EQ and i’m not up to that level yet.. lol

Emotion here refers to strong feelings. Since n years ago, i live without emotion. May be nobody will believe there is such a person in this world. Nevertheless, i think i’m such a person.

i didn’t cry since.. secondary school, may be. i do not have great joyfulness since ‘that’ time (i can’t really remember since when). It’s as though there is no single thing in this world that could bring great happiness/sadness to me. What had happen to me? Take for example, even on the announcement day of the stpm result, i do not feel a single emotion from inside of me. Take for another example, on my form 5 graduation day, everybody around me is full of emotion (happiness + crying), but i rather do not feel it. WHY?

May be i always take things for granted. Everything that happened around me seems to happen so naturally that i couldn’t feel it. Solitude, alone, always match me. They seem to happen on me so often..

"Emotionless". See it another way round, it’s emptiness of soul and blank. What am i trying to say here? i myself also do not understand. i do know why i have to write this blog, just to express the very little emotion that is left inside of me? That’s why i’ve said understand oneself is so difficult.

Still not finish yet.. (However, i’ve decided to stop here and post it first until.. till i know how to finish it, haha..)

i just read the blogs posted by one of my fren..

"Emptiness of the soul", i kinda know how he felt bout life. u may find out, if u ask me what have i done after my final (10 days, i think), i could tell u that i can’t really remember. Haih.. it’s empty + blank + solitude + nothing meaningful.

Should i prepare the courses i’ll follow in next sem? should i go get a part-time job and earn some extra money? Should i call my old fren to hang out? or should i just stay at home and ‘enjoy’ being alone this whole holiday?

i do not know. i have no idea.

Hmm.. "i have no idea", this words may seem offensive to some ppl because many of us do not like those ppl who do not have their own thoughts, rite? Indeed, last time i used to say this words, however now i tried to avoid it as much as possible. Everytime when i wanna say it, i just forced myself to think and find out what suppose to be the reason that lead me to the particular actions or thoughts.

Oops.. ya, i think i should just look for the "passion" to live.

Once we got passion, everything should go easy. However, there is one thing that always disturb me, i never have the intention to call friends to go out together or even just give them a telephone call to ask for their recent lives. What’s wrong with me? i hate the selfishness of mine.

Just few days ago, a long-time-no-see fren called me to ask for my recent. And when she asked why i din call her after the final, i couldn’t answer! i felt guilty that why i never try to care for other ppl, including those fren who once a while very good with me. Hopefully i shall get the initiative soon enough before i lost all of them.

Haih.. i still have no idea how to deal with the emptiness that i faced right now, but i think i’ll get a job soon so that at least i do something that i think it’s meaningful.

Hiew.. first sem has finally over and i would say: Hey, man! i enjoy uni life! i like all the friends i met, all the things i faced, the hostel i lived in and.. everything. Nevertheless, time flies. It’s just like a blink of our eyes and all became the past. What is left are just sweet memories.

i miss them all. i hope time can be stopped so that i can retain this moment of joyfulness.

Hmm.. after i entered uni, i really learned lots of things, esp. the way of thinking. i’ve found out that i was too childish once a while. i didn’t plan for future. Until this very moment, my future is blurred. i did not set targets for my future. Gosh! that’s shouldn’t happen. Although now it’s a bit too late for me to realise how important is planning for future, i shall seek the right path and the  meaning of life.

Before this, i never think of future, i never care what will happen and i lived in a life that is too easy. Even when i was filling up the form for entering uni, i didn’t think very very properly what i want (or, actually i myself do not know what i want). To understand myself is so hard, even now i’m not sure what i’m interest in.. i always take things for granted and i never really care for my own future.

However, from this very moment, i shall decide which junction i’ll take in the crossroad of my life and i shall learn to be independence too, not just physically, but mentally.

Actually i really wanna thank some friends that have motivated me to think in such a way. They told me their planning and the future they are looking forward. This has made me think suddenly that: "hey man! they are right. They have targets, but how about me? The ‘don’t care’ thought of mine shall evaporate. Start planning for future..

Erm.. there is actually another thing i wanna talk about..

i’ve found myself quite annoying sometimes. i’m not truthful and trustworthy enough in the process of making friends. i’m fake. Sometimes, i’m extremely passive. Sometimes, i did stupid things just to cover up myself, not letting other ppl to find out the real side of me. Sometimes, i laugh fakely (or shall i say, many times) just to pretend i ‘i agreed with them’. Sometimes, i’m selfish and do not care for other ppl feelings. Sometimes, i’m blur and i do not know how to break the ice between me and a stranger.

Sometimes, i hate myself. i hate this kind of me. i shall change the way of thinking and be prepared for every challenges.

i wanna say sorry to those i have hurt and think that i’m really not a good person to mix with.

so..

i must utilise this holiday well. Though my life before i entered uni can be considered blank, i shall make each and every moment from now on as colourful as i can. (".)