Get A Life

Walau..

i just got back from driving my father’s car.

i din drive since i got my license.. -.-" and to practice back driving is one my planning oso in this holiday/

Well..

it’s a quite "failing" experience for me||||||  i can’t control the car well and u know, today is Friday (muslim praying), there are lots or ppl out there either riding motorbikes or driving their cars. They just simply croass here and there, and there are two times i nearly hit them… walau.. hiew.

Having the worried feeling this morning is no good at all for me and now plus the a-bit-scary driving experience makes the condition worse.

However, i really hope that i can drive to UPM next year.. more convenience mah (but there will be petrol burden la).

Today, some worried feelings strike me. When i woke up this morning, i was planning to write some planning for the month of Dec when one of my friend sms me saying that we should buy laptop before 3rd of Dec coz there will be a discounted rate.

oh, well..

After considering it, i decided to go online see first, if it’s suitable, i’ll buy it. However, this two things (Dec plannning + buying laptop) make me felt worry and when i tried to solve the isohunt in sin chew today, i can’t solve it! and i oso do not have the intention to solve the sudoku (i’m quite interested in it and i will do it daily).

What i’m trying to say here is the worried feeling that occur inside of me remind me of one thing: i’ve got the same feeling when i was in the test/exam last time. That’s why i think this is the reason when supposingly there is a queation that i can solve easily but i can’t solve it at that time.

i mean, the feeling or may be more accurately, your thoughts when you try to solve a problem are of ESSENTIAL importance. It depends on how you see a particular question/task that is given to you. Whether you are open minded or your thought just mess yourself up. Sometimes an easy task may become extremrly tough if our mindset are incorrect from the beggining. And i think the most efficient way to see a problem is with neutral thought, not too selfish just to think bout the advantages you’ll acquire, yet not too generous just to think bout others, neglecting yourself.

Well.. this will require really high EQ and i’m not up to that level yet.. lol

Emotion here refers to strong feelings. Since n years ago, i live without emotion. May be nobody will believe there is such a person in this world. Nevertheless, i think i’m such a person.

i didn’t cry since.. secondary school, may be. i do not have great joyfulness since ‘that’ time (i can’t really remember since when). It’s as though there is no single thing in this world that could bring great happiness/sadness to me. What had happen to me? Take for example, even on the announcement day of the stpm result, i do not feel a single emotion from inside of me. Take for another example, on my form 5 graduation day, everybody around me is full of emotion (happiness + crying), but i rather do not feel it. WHY?

May be i always take things for granted. Everything that happened around me seems to happen so naturally that i couldn’t feel it. Solitude, alone, always match me. They seem to happen on me so often..

"Emotionless". See it another way round, it’s emptiness of soul and blank. What am i trying to say here? i myself also do not understand. i do know why i have to write this blog, just to express the very little emotion that is left inside of me? That’s why i’ve said understand oneself is so difficult.

Still not finish yet.. (However, i’ve decided to stop here and post it first until.. till i know how to finish it, haha..)

i just read the blogs posted by one of my fren..

"Emptiness of the soul", i kinda know how he felt bout life. u may find out, if u ask me what have i done after my final (10 days, i think), i could tell u that i can’t really remember. Haih.. it’s empty + blank + solitude + nothing meaningful.

Should i prepare the courses i’ll follow in next sem? should i go get a part-time job and earn some extra money? Should i call my old fren to hang out? or should i just stay at home and ‘enjoy’ being alone this whole holiday?

i do not know. i have no idea.

Hmm.. "i have no idea", this words may seem offensive to some ppl because many of us do not like those ppl who do not have their own thoughts, rite? Indeed, last time i used to say this words, however now i tried to avoid it as much as possible. Everytime when i wanna say it, i just forced myself to think and find out what suppose to be the reason that lead me to the particular actions or thoughts.

Oops.. ya, i think i should just look for the "passion" to live.

Once we got passion, everything should go easy. However, there is one thing that always disturb me, i never have the intention to call friends to go out together or even just give them a telephone call to ask for their recent lives. What’s wrong with me? i hate the selfishness of mine.

Just few days ago, a long-time-no-see fren called me to ask for my recent. And when she asked why i din call her after the final, i couldn’t answer! i felt guilty that why i never try to care for other ppl, including those fren who once a while very good with me. Hopefully i shall get the initiative soon enough before i lost all of them.

Haih.. i still have no idea how to deal with the emptiness that i faced right now, but i think i’ll get a job soon so that at least i do something that i think it’s meaningful.

Hiew.. first sem has finally over and i would say: Hey, man! i enjoy uni life! i like all the friends i met, all the things i faced, the hostel i lived in and.. everything. Nevertheless, time flies. It’s just like a blink of our eyes and all became the past. What is left are just sweet memories.

i miss them all. i hope time can be stopped so that i can retain this moment of joyfulness.

Hmm.. after i entered uni, i really learned lots of things, esp. the way of thinking. i’ve found out that i was too childish once a while. i didn’t plan for future. Until this very moment, my future is blurred. i did not set targets for my future. Gosh! that’s shouldn’t happen. Although now it’s a bit too late for me to realise how important is planning for future, i shall seek the right path and the  meaning of life.

Before this, i never think of future, i never care what will happen and i lived in a life that is too easy. Even when i was filling up the form for entering uni, i didn’t think very very properly what i want (or, actually i myself do not know what i want). To understand myself is so hard, even now i’m not sure what i’m interest in.. i always take things for granted and i never really care for my own future.

However, from this very moment, i shall decide which junction i’ll take in the crossroad of my life and i shall learn to be independence too, not just physically, but mentally.

Actually i really wanna thank some friends that have motivated me to think in such a way. They told me their planning and the future they are looking forward. This has made me think suddenly that: "hey man! they are right. They have targets, but how about me? The ‘don’t care’ thought of mine shall evaporate. Start planning for future..

Erm.. there is actually another thing i wanna talk about..

i’ve found myself quite annoying sometimes. i’m not truthful and trustworthy enough in the process of making friends. i’m fake. Sometimes, i’m extremely passive. Sometimes, i did stupid things just to cover up myself, not letting other ppl to find out the real side of me. Sometimes, i laugh fakely (or shall i say, many times) just to pretend i ‘i agreed with them’. Sometimes, i’m selfish and do not care for other ppl feelings. Sometimes, i’m blur and i do not know how to break the ice between me and a stranger.

Sometimes, i hate myself. i hate this kind of me. i shall change the way of thinking and be prepared for every challenges.

i wanna say sorry to those i have hurt and think that i’m really not a good person to mix with.

so..

i must utilise this holiday well. Though my life before i entered uni can be considered blank, i shall make each and every moment from now on as colourful as i can. (".)

Hiew… Finally my test 2 has ended, thanks God i’m still alive here to write this post (i’m so worried about my academic results coz i did not do well in the last test). i’m sorry to myself that i did not write new post for so long.

Recently i’ve found out something that really upset me, it’s an interesting fact that i can observe especially after i entered upm and this fenomena is especially intense from those people in my course and from CLHS.

What i have noticed is the fact that some people are ‘acting’ here. They are FAKE. They are fake in such a way that they lie to people in all kind of aspects, from academics to everyday’s situation. i hate those people. They are camouflaging, pretending and they are not real. i just don’t understand why people have to lie in order to live, just to protect themselves? or this is the reality and cruelty of nowadays world? Do i have to face the reality so early, or do i have to follow them so that i’m not myself anymore?

Why can’t we just live in trust and in our true self in everthing by opening our heart to every people we met. If everyone in this world, or at least in my uni is not fake, i’m pretty sure anyone of us will become true friends. i’m confused also with the fact that the cleverer a person is, the more he will use some techniques to hide himself, not to let people know who they are, what they want and they are full of motive! This is especially reflected in my course.

Haih… True friend is hard to seek. The one that you can share everything with, yes, i mean everything, is really reaLLY REALLY hard to seek. What can be done in the process of searching true friend is we should open our heart to everyone around us and hopefully they shall be another person who did that. And of course, finally, they shall become true friend. Do not care with those fake people who walk pass you because they shall not have true friends in their whole lives. Their lives shall fill with all those fake smile, talk and act.

i’m seeking for true friend here, i tried in every efforts not to tell a single lie to people that meet up with me, not to throw a fake smile on them. And of course, for those people who are reading this post, i wish you shall get a true friend soon.

i saw this in my roomate stuff and i would like to share it with all of you, hope u have the patient to read it.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or to help figure out who you are or who want to become. You never know who these people may be but you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never realize your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test limits of your soul.

Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create whom you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you to learn about trust and the important of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. Make everyday count. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again.

Talk to people whom you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

"If you take your eyes off your goals, all you can see is obstacles."

Actually i want to say this long but it’s just that i don’t have the time to write it down…

Now,

what i want to say from my heart is thank you to all that read my blogs and gave comments on it, i really don’t expect so much responses from u all, really. i’m so touched with all your patient to read and write comments on it.

and i also want to say sorry for those i haven’t read their blogs, i don’t have much time actually to read through all of those blogs you all written. if i have time, i sure will go and read it, i promise.

hmm…

i think that’s all i want to say, take care ooo, all my dear friends.

Life is unfair! Why the heck in this world there is rich people and poor people? And we are never given the same treatment whenever and wherever we are. i have known this since i was in secondary school. Rich people will only mix with rich people, they share the same interest, and they will become richer while poor people only will mix with poor people and finally they will become poorer or just remain the same.

However, nothing can be done to change the reality. Fate. It is fate that determines who we are. We have no choice. The only thing that can be done by poor people is: Work hard with your bare hand until the end of your life to become richer or just to make your life better, so that your descendent can enjoy life. Or else, the life of a poor person will always filled with sorrow.

i’m the victim in this. And that’s why i’m quite a passive person from the beginning until now. Since i was small, i liked to prison myself at home, not meeting up with my classmates, friends or even my neighbours. i do not want to share my sorrow with other people. i like to be in solitude. i do not have many friends in pimary and secondary school. And since i was small, i was taught not to have any entertainment after school. i didn’t go out to play games such as badminton, hide-and-seek, or even just hang around with my friends. i’m alone at home. My memory before the age of 16 or 17 is blank, nohting, it’s empty… If you ask me to revise back the memory at that time, i’m sorry to say i can’t remember a single special event that has happened at that time.

The world today is materialistic. Many times when people talk about the internet stuff, newest handphone, newest Hong Kong’s drama series, newest album released by a particular singer, newest fashion, haircut, i was quiet. Because it’s only with money we can afford to purcahse those stuff and the fact is, sadly, i don’t have. GOD, money! What the heck is money? What’s wrong with money?

And seemingly, all my friends share the interest that deal with money. How am i be able to mix with them? I have no knowledge at all on all those advanced technologies, fashioned stuff… How could i make friends without having the same interest? One of my friend said before: if you know how to play DotA, you may get to know lots of friend on the internet when you form a team with them, and the fact is, my family cannot afford to buy a better computer that allow me to play DotA at home(or even online), how am i be able to catch up with all those fast-moving technologies?(may be this is just a lousy example, but it’s the only e.g. that i can think of at the moment). i think i should move to kampung cause i will be more accustom with the life there. Pathetic.

However, fate remains as fate. Fate is unchangeable. In the world today, with all those advanced technologies, money is corelated. You can’t have all those shared interest without money.

Hiew…

The fact is, i must learn how to accept fate. Fate is neither my enemy nor my friend. But i must accept it as a part of my life. i need motivation. Motivation keeps me active. Motivation keeps me alive. Lives with whatever you have and as whoever you are. What’s the big deal if i live alone and then die alone? Again, teamwork and co-operation is of essential importance in nowadays society, i mean you can’t just live alone by yourself, ironic, huh? And hence, since i’m passive, i must learn how to express myself, esp. in front of public. Self expression helps promote images and impression of yourself in front of public.

Arrrrrgh… Where is my motivation? Where is my energy? Learning how to live is difficult. i’m now walking in a dark tunnel and hopefully there are hands that guide me along this journey, and finally there shall be lights at end of the tunnel.

I just got back from uni few days ago, and God, i do not feel like i’m home! Actually we just shifted house one week ago and this is the second time i stepped into this ‘home’, everything is new here for me, and may be i’m still not accustom with it. However, i think this is not the reason i do not feel like i’m home…

I’m just found out that i’m more accustom with college’s life in university. i mean, i can do whatever i want; i got my own study table/own bed; i met with lots of good people (at least until now i do not meet with someone that betray friends, thanks God), and more importantly: I got Freedom. i felt like i’m home in my college.

And for my home with all my family, i just have the feeling that it is just financially supporting me, that’s all. I mean, i do not share with them my personal problems at all, and rather i would talk to my friends. i’m afraid that there is one day where i do not have the feeling to go home anymore! At least for now, i’m not because i’m not financially independent.

So, is that good or bad? To become independent? or to become selfish?

I always have a dream when i was studying in secondary school, that is, to have my own study table and my own bedroom. i’ve had it now in my college, is that the reason i do not wanna go home?

Previously, there is many times i felt ashamed to talk about my family. you know why? it’s because i sleep with another three persons in one bedroom (my mother and my two brothers), it’s unacceptable for me. And there is many times when people asked to come to my house, i just refused them because i’m afraid that they will find out that i lived in such a small place, i felt ashamed for myself too. that’s why when i was studying in form 6, i kept on telling myself to work really really hard so that i can change my Life! i’m not succeed yet, still in the journey, long way to go…

i know i must change my perception so that i will feel the same way as other people, that is, going home is definitely better than staying outside. is that true? who knows?